How
could that be? What was wrong with
me? I knew that the fruits of the spirit
are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. I walk with the spirit, but I was missing the
joy. I wasn’t feeling it, and hadn’t,
for many months.
Last
June I was a much different person than I am now. I had given my life to Christ when I was 16,
but lately I had felt like I was walking in mud up to my knees. The sun was shining on my face but every day I
was just slogging along. I tried to figure out when that had started. Was it when I left Virginia? When I left California? When the kids graduated from high school? When I changed jobs? I couldn’t pinpoint it. Something was different. Something was not right.
We
were visiting a church when I heard a message about James 3:14. We had missed the first part of the series,
but God in his wisdom had us at the right place at the right time. This verse says, “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do
not boast about it or deny the truth.” Not the same kind of encouraging verses I have
been sharing with you, is it?
At
our usual Sunday lunch, when the family sits around the table and reviews,
discusses and dissects the weekly sermon, I said to my loving children and darling
husband, “So…you don’t think I harbor bitter envy or selfish ambition, do you?” Without hesitation or a dissenting opinion
each one said, “Oh, yes you do. Both!”
The discussion went on for a little while, as you can imagine, but I
took it to heart. I left a few days
after that to spend a couple of weeks with my mom next to the Snake River in
beautiful Idaho, and each day while I was there I prayed and meditated on this
verse. Especially the part about bitter envy and selfish ambition.
Very
soon I came to understand how I had fallen short in this area and thanked God for forgiving
me, and I asked Him to show me what I should do.
I’ve
come to understand that the selfish ambition part is lack of humility. Who is going to be the “boss” of my life? God or me?
I
want to be top dog! I want things my way!
I owe it to myself to take some time off and be lazy. I should be recognized for my status as
mother and wife. I should be celebrated
for all the work I do. I’m right and you
should listen to me. I want the
glory. It’s all about me.
When
I recognized that I was doing this, and that pride and not humility was what I
was achieving, things began to change for me.
The more I was able to give up control of my life and let God take over,
the more I began to find the joy I had been missing. It still takes a lot of prayer and I still backslide
a lot, but I’m getting there.
This
was not a new concept for me. I think I
was too proud to think I wasn’t humble.
Now, when I realize I am concerned about my standing, or my status, or
the conversation is close to an argument about who gets their way in a given
situation, I catch myself. I know it’s
not about me. It’s about the perfect God
who rules over me with love. Greater love than I can understand. So I back off and turn the situation over to
Him. Or I try to.
James 4:10
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
Amen
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