Spring is almost here!

It has nothing to do with the ground hog or what date in March it is, but rather it is Easter, it is light outside after 5 pm and I hear the songbirds in the morning. 

It is still in the 30s at night, but warms up during the day.  I think that is what makes the maple syrup start running.  Cold nights and warm days.

March is pretty volatile weather-wise.  It is cold and windy much of the month.  We have had several days with snow in March this year.  My friend, Melanie, is a kite…nut? Aficionado?  Junkie?  She has several kites and she has kites that are bigger than I am!  She goes as far away as Washington, DC and the shore to fly them.  I love to watch when she flys them around here.  Maybe I will get up early enough to go with her sometime.

Easter Sunrise Service.  Sometimes it is very cold.  Usually it is very cold.  When I lived in California we would go to Sunrise Service at Lover’s Point in Pacific Grove.  It was very pretty, but between the breakers crashing on the rocks and the seals barking the whole time, it wasn’t easy to hear.   Somewhere we went to a golf course for Easter morning.  I think Charlotte went to some sand dunes in New Mexico for this special gathering once.  At GVPC we gather at the top of the hill in the cemetery for a short service and later inside during the regular worship time the whole congregation would join in the Alleluia Chorus.  Awesome!  Once Easter gets here It’s Spring! 

I heard the songbirds this morning.  The one that sounds like she’s saying “Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger” was singing at the top of her lungs.  I need to figure out what kind of bird that is.  It’s time to fill the bird feeders ‘cause the others will be here very soon.  And the squirrel feeders.  And the hummingbird feeder.

It’s time to get the yard cleaned up.  I love my deck.  It is close enough to the woods that we stay in the shade during the hottest time of the summer.  The bad thing about that is there isn’t enough sunshine to grow vegetables or flowers, or grass for that matter.  Herbs do pretty well, and some non-flowering plants grow okay.  I love to sit out there and watch the birds and squirrels.  When I get the leaves raked out of the corners of the fence and the green stuff scrubbed off of the deck box and floor it will be time to fire up the grill.

Frisbee, badminton and that new game Steph introduced us to called Vikings will keep us busy in the evenings.  I love the Spring when it is finally warm enough to stay outside most of the time and plan some camping trips.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever.

Amen

Ryan Kerr and Mark Herzlich

We all know people who have been diagnosed with cancer.  Sometimes it is common and small and curable and sometimes it isn’t.  Sometimes it is rare and big and the outcome is much sadder.

In the past several years my path has intersected with two young men who had cancer in their bones, both in the legs.

The first is Ryan Kerr.  He was 12, in 2002, when he was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer.  He was in middle school with Stephanie, and it was early in his fight against cancer that his family started the ConKerr Cancer Project.  All over the country people are still making bright pillow cases that are delivered to Children's Hospital oncology wards.  

But in late 2002 doctors determined that the chemo wasn't working. "They performed a limb salvage, which meant removing bone from his leg and putting in a titanium rod," his mom says. After that, Ryan had to undergo several surgeries to remove scar tissue. He was in a lot of pain and he could barely bend his leg. Even harder were the checkups every three months to find out whether the cancer had come back. In 2004 tests revealed that the disease had spread to Ryan's lungs. He underwent more grueling chemo treatments and had to have his leg amputated the following year. 

After healing from the surgery, Ryan learned how to ride a bike with his prosthesis. He managed to rock climb, water ski and snow ski. I think this spirit is exemplary.  To be going through unimaginable health problems as a young teen and still have the spirit of adventure and the drive to try new things gives me the courage to keep going myself.  Ryan gave us the call to "Get Living".  And I intend to take this to heart as never before.  Thanks Ryan, for showing us how it's done!

I was working at the high school as a greeter and would see Ryan regularly.  He was always pleasant.  I could tell he had his good days and he had his bad days, and sometimes he didn’t make it to school at all.  But when he did he made us all smile. 

Late that year doctors informed the family that Ryan, then 17, had only a few months to live. He was home under hospice care and died in February, only a few months before his class graduated from high school. 

Ryan had a great attitude through this terrible time.  His family and friends surrounded him with love and support and he was a great example of how a terrible situation doesn’t have to stop us cold.

Then:

I first met the Herzlich family in 2006 when Ethan was in middle school and was playing lacrosse for the first time.  We went to the Herzlich home to pick up the lacrosse equipment and had no idea what we were in for.  We quickly found out that there is nearly as much lacrosse gear as there is football gear, and this family had turned their home into lacrosse central.  The Herzlichs were cornerstones in the development of lacrosse in this area.  Sandy and Barb Herzlich, as well as Mark and Brad, were there getting dozens of little would-be lacrosse players sized and outfitted with pads, sticks and helmets and ready for the season.  Mark was in high school and well known as an outstanding lacrosse player, a super football player and an all around nice guy.

When Mark graduated from Conestoga High School he went to Boston College to play football.  While we are a Virginia Tech family we are also Mark Herzlich fans.  Even when BC was playing Tech we were routing for Tech and Herzlich. 

While in college Mark was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer.  I can’t even imagine trying to get through a year of college while fighting cancer.  His passion for football and his life were put on hold while he underwent treatment.  For some time there was a question about whether he would walk again.  But he beat cancer and displayed courage and character while he did it.

Mark has been another example for me of hypomone, remaining steadfast under trials and suffering.  He remained faithful to his passion and his goal and is currently cancer free and enjoying a football career with the NY Giants. 

It is very evident to me the role, in both of these cases,  that family played.  Not only did these brave guys get their awesome spirit from their families, but the families gave their all in support of Ryan and Mark during their illnesses.

I am so pleased and proud to be able to call them all friends. 

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go

A Little Good News Came My Way

I heard from my family doctor yesterday.  I’d had a blood test last week to see if my new blood pressure medicine would alleviate some of the problems we were seeing with my blood chemistry.  The calcium was too high, vitamin D too low.  Para- something-or-other was out of whack!  And a couple of other things.  I should pay closer attention to the details!

But about three weeks ago she put me on something without the diuretic and it seems to have all balanced out.  This is a little thing in the scheme of things right now, but I’ll take it!  Cancel the endocrinologist and the blood test for Monday!!  Woohoo!  Things are going great today!  Yipee!!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I’m feeling like a pin cushion today!

I went to the hospital for a little while today to have some tests done in preparation for my surgery next week.  They have to be sure I am healthy enough to go through it. 

I can’t even remember how many times I have been stuck in the last 3 weeks.  Needles to put stuff in and needles to take stuff out.  Biopsy - twice.  MRI.  CT/Bone Scan.  Blood test a few times.  Ugh.  I don’t have a fear of needles and I don’t mind blood.  Sometimes it does hurt a little.  Only one time could they not find a vein and have to start over!  But enough already!

I will be so glad when this is all over.

My family doctor is still trying to get my meds and blood chemistry figured out.  I go back to her to have another blood test on Monday.  And I am to see an endocrinologist in a few weeks.

The other test I had done today was an EKG.  No problems there.  No wait.  No changing clothes.  It took longer to get the electrodes on and off than to take the test.

 

I'm ready.  Can we get on with it!?

 
Now to him who is able to do
immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us,
 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus
throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
 Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Hypomone = "to bear up under"

Have you been wondering about the meaning of hypomone?  (Who-poe-me-nay)  Have you googled it?  It’s a Greek word used repeatedly in the Bible and means “to bear up under” or “endure”.  I pray that this is how I can respond to the trials and tribulation I have to go through.

The noun hypomone usually denotes courageous, steadfast, or patient "endurance" that does not lose hope in the face of obstacles, persecutions, trials, or temptations.

To bear up under, endure, suffer patiently,

Heb. 10
³² Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. ³³ Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. ³⁴ You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. ³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised
It means to continue firmly, hold out, remain constant, persevere.

Mt. 24:13  

But the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Perseverance – Is perseverance simply gritting your teeth and enduring the pain? Does God expect you to white-knuckle your way through the trials of life? Are you supposed to hold your breath until it’s over? We might be inclined to answer “Yes” to these questions if we think of the English sense of perseverance. But perhaps we need to look a little deeper.

The Greek word hypomonen comes from the root mone and the prefix hypo. The literal combination is “to remain under,” that is, “to stay in place.” We should think of this in military terms. God puts you in position. You might not have asked to be placed where He puts you (Adam didn’t ask to be put into the Garden), but it is His choice, not yours. Wherever He puts you, you are simply asked to stand.

The King sets His troops where they best serve His purposes. Once you are put in place, you are instructed not to surrender the ground to the enemy. That’s all. You don’t have to advance the battlefront. You don’t have to attack the next hill. All you have to do is hold the ground God has given you. To persevere is not to surrender an inch of territory to any kind of attack. So perseverance is not about hiding from trouble. When the enemy brings the battle, we stand until God provides reinforcements.

Without afflictions there is no opportunity to stand. Without tests there is no chance to succeed. Without trial there is no victory.

Romans 5:3-5 NASB

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations; knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint .

No Joy

There is a show on TV about a SWAT team.  When the sniper is trying to obtain a target he talks about joy.  If he doesn’t have a clear shot he says “No Joy”.  Whenever I heard that phrase I felt a tug at my heart.  Not because of the show, but because I was feeling no joy.

How could that be?  What was wrong with me?  I knew that the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness.  I walk with the spirit, but I was missing the joy.  I wasn’t feeling it, and hadn’t, for many months.

Last June I was a much different person than I am now.  I had given my life to Christ when I was 16, but lately I had felt like I was walking in mud up to my knees.  The sun was shining on my face but every day I was just slogging along. I tried to figure out when that had started.  Was it when I left Virginia?  When I left California?  When the kids graduated from high school?  When I changed jobs?  I couldn’t pinpoint it.  Something was different.  Something was not right.

We were visiting a church when I heard a message about James 3:14.  We had missed the first part of the series, but God in his wisdom had us at the right place at the right time.  This verse says, “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.”  Not the same kind of encouraging verses I have been sharing with you, is it? 

At our usual Sunday lunch, when the family sits around the table and reviews, discusses and dissects the weekly sermon, I said to my loving children and darling husband, “So…you don’t think I harbor bitter envy or selfish ambition, do you?”  Without hesitation or a dissenting opinion each one said, “Oh, yes you do. Both!”  The discussion went on for a little while, as you can imagine, but I took it to heart.  I left a few days after that to spend a couple of weeks with my mom next to the Snake River in beautiful Idaho, and each day while I was there I prayed and meditated on this verse.  Especially the part about bitter envy and selfish ambition.

Very soon I came to understand how I had fallen short in this area and thanked God for forgiving me, and I asked Him to show me what I should do.

I’ve come to understand that the selfish ambition part is lack of humility.  Who is going to be the “boss” of my life?  God or me? 

I want to be top dog! I want things my way!  I owe it to myself to take some time off and be lazy.  I should be recognized for my status as mother and wife.  I should be celebrated for all the work I do.  I’m right and you should listen to me.  I want the glory.  It’s all about me.

When I recognized that I was doing this, and that pride and not humility was what I was achieving, things began to change for me.  The more I was able to give up control of my life and let God take over, the more I began to find the joy I had been missing.  It still takes a lot of prayer and I still backslide a lot, but I’m getting there.

This was not a new concept for me.  I think I was too proud to think I wasn’t humble.  Now, when I realize I am concerned about my standing, or my status, or the conversation is close to an argument about who gets their way in a given situation, I catch myself.  I know it’s not about me.  It’s about the perfect God who rules over me with love. Greater love than I can understand.  So I back off and turn the situation over to Him.  Or I try to.

James 4:10
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

Amen

Making plans for the next steps

We met with the plastic surgeon yesterday (Doctor V.) and came to some conclusions.   I will have reconstruction done and it will be done at the same time as the surgery.  I am going to have it all done on Tuesday, April 2.  I think it will be in the afternoon.  I will stay in the hospital for 2 nights unless I want to stay longer or leave sooner.  Two sounds good to me, right now.

Erik (my son) is going to be in DC for opening day (of baseball season) and will come up here Tuesday morning to be with us for several days.  He has a job where he can work from home, anybody’s home.  So he will do it from mine.  I think it will be pretty boring for him, but I appreciate his sacrifice on my behalf.

I had hoped to be back at work the next day, but maybe not.  The doc says he doesn’t want me to shower for a week.  I don’t think my office mates will appreciate the condition that might put me in.  I’ve been with them only six months, and I won’t press our friendship with this personal hygiene situation.

Sounds like I will be tired and sore for several days.  I am really hoping the weather is nice.  I’d love to be outside a little bit.  The way the weather has been these last few days, we will be lucky to have warm days by Memorial Day.

I’m not looking forward to this, but I am so thankful that it is so well contained and I am so thankful that I have so many people around me who are concerned for me.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.  I have received many verses to put up on my walls.  Each one gives me great peace and encouragement.  On the Fourth of July, when we are watching the fireworks, from many places around the country, I hope we will be thanking our Heavenly Father that this trial is successfully over.

Psalm 121
¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

 

Amen

First Day of Spring

Is that snow I see falling from the sky?

I’m doing pretty well today.

I’ve had exercise and vitamins for 2 days in a row, and I’m sleeping well.  I will be ready whenever this happens!

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father,
who loves us and by His grace
gave us eternal encouragement and good hope,
comfort and strengthen your heart
in every good deed and word.

II Thessalonians 2:16-17

We’ve all got something

A couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with cancer, but many of my friends and family have things going on that are at least, and in my mind more,  difficult to cope with.  When I think of the things that you all have going on, I am thankful that cancer is all I have to deal with right now.  I learn from your example of grace and patience and strength.

You have health issues, some that have been going on for years.  One friend has a morphine pump attached to her because of intense pain all the time.  Another friend has had a headache for more than a month.  Another has back problems.  I know a lady with MS and my sis has fibromyalgia.  Fortunately I don’t have ongoing pain.

Some of you have issues with your children.  They have allergies, asthma, or behavioral problems. Your kids are sick and in some cases you have lost a child.  You’ve sat in the hospital while they have operations, or worse, and you support them through learning disabilities or great disappointments and struggles.

You have lost your jobs or cars and don’t know what is going to happen to you.  You have had fires in your homes, or burglaries and have been in car accidents.  You have lost your spouses and your pets.

We’ve all got something we have to get through.  And my cancer is not the worst of it.  I am praying for you.  I could never handle what some of you go through every day.  I am blessed by your caring and your prayers.  Your smiles and your fist bumps remind me of the fact that I am not alone in facing difficulties. 

Psalms 46:1

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

 

I will soar on wings like an eagle!

We consulted with the doctor this morning.  He reviewed, with us the facts that my organs and bones were normal, cancer-free!  But, the second tumor is malignant.  All that is confirmed.

We had already discussed that with two malignant tumors, a mastectomy is in order.  The tumors aren’t close together, so there isn’t much choice.

 

I had gone in there pretty sure that this would be the verdict, and I had sort of decided not to pursue reconstruction.  However, the doc recommended it right off.  I wasn’t convinced, but then it occurred to me that Mike might have a preference.  By the end of that meeting we had agreed to meet with a plastic surgeon and have a discussion.  To talk about a plastic surgeon sounds excessive and maybe even decadent to me.  This had not entered my mind as an option to even consider until today.  Can I get away without this?  Will insurance cover it?  Will it take everything out of the college fund and retirement fund??  It does seem that there are physical and emotional benefits that perhaps I should consider.  We meet with the plastic surgeon on Thursday afternoon.

Without reconstruction it is an overnight stay in the hospital. I won’t be going back to work the same day, or even the next day.  He says I’ll be sore for a few days, but should be back in the thick of it in 2 weeks.  This isn’t how I’d planned to use my vacation time!  But my job isn’t too physically challenging, and I’m not full time. 

I plan to hit the gym between now and then and build up some stamina and muscle tone.  I suspect this will help the recovery side of things.  I might be out the next day, but hopefully I can put in a few hours a day towards the end of the week. We’ll see.

 

Doc says with a mastectomy I won’t have to have radiation.  He thinks I might not have chemo, but we won’t know until the tissue is examined after the mastectomy.

I have more homework to do.  Contact insurance company; visit with plastic surgeon, and Google, Google, Google.

^{Isaiah 40:31}

³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

 

Aunt. Cousins! Daughters?

I have been thinking about my family and breast cancer.  I never really put all this together until now.

I have an aunt who had breast cancer, and her daughter, my cousin has been dealing with it as well.  Recently I found out that another cousin, whom I don’t know well, was diagnosed last fall and has been in treatment since then.  These two cousins and I share the same grandmother, but three different children of this grandmother were our parents.   We have two additional uncles.

My mother doesn’t have it and Grandma didn’t have it.  One cousin, the daughter of one of the uncles,   is in her early thirties and I don’t know much about the children of the other uncle. 

I have been doing family history research since 1974 and never put all this illness together.  I think it might be time to talk to my family members and create a more complete health genealogy.  I have heard that there are tests now that might be done to help the next generation find out what their risk level is.

While I am concerned and curious about how this will impact my daughter, and the daughters of Nancy and Barbara, my cousins, right how I take comfort in the knowledge that we, the cousins, have relationships with the living God who loves us, and I pray that our daughters will also grow close to Him.  Our lives are in His hands, and He is gracious.

Isaiah 43:1-4

I have called you by name and you are mine
When you pass through the waters I will be with you
And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you
When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned
And the flame shall not consume you
For I am the Lord your God
The Holy one of Israel, Your Savior
….Because you are precious in my eyes…and honored…and I love you!

A Good Time was had by all!!

I feel like I had a mini-vacation last night.  It was just a few hours but I feel renewed and ready to go again today.  But you know how, sometimes, when you come home from a vacation, you need a vacation to rest up from your vacation?  That’s how I feel today.  So happy and so tired!

For several weeks I have been helping to plan Harvest Fun Night.  Our Harvest Bible Chapel family spent a few hours together yesterday afternoon in fun and fellowship and, yup, food was there too.  We spent time together playing in the school we usually worship in together.  On Sundays we take over the hallway, auditorium and a few classrooms of a local middle school, for worship and Sunday School. Yesterday we used the pool, two gyms and the cafeteria in the same school! We had an 18’ inflatable slide and kids’ games, a couple of basketball games and volleyball games.  Many cooled off in the pool, even though it was snowing outside, and we enjoyed a terrific pot luck dinner! 

Thanks to everyone who helped make this such a great event! See you at church!

The Ides of March

Happy Friday!

This morning I was preparing myself for bad news.  Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If they found, on the scans I had done yesterday, that the cancer had spread to my bones or my organs I would have been in a big pickle.

But IT HASN’T!

The word is the CT was normal and the bone scan was normal!  Such good news!   Praise the Lord!  The biopsy was positive, but I was ready for that.  This really is the best news I could have at this point.

Mike and I will meet with the doc early Monday morning to discuss the next steps.  I don’t have any idea, right now, when the next steps will happen.  But Sunday I get to spend time singing praises to my Savior who knows the number of hairs on my head and the condition of each cell in my body.  And He has a plan for me, better than any I could imagine.

Psalms 34:4 says:

I sought the Lord and he answered me, He delivered me from all my fears.

When I was a program specialist at Ashgrove Adventure Girl Scout Camp for a few years in Fairfax, Virginia, my camp name was “Sparrow”.  I chose that name because of the song that goes,

Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely
And long for Heav'n and home?
When Jesus is my portion,
My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me.

Refrain:
I sing because I'm happy,

I sing because I'm free,

For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled,"
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fear;
Though by the path He leads me
But one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

 

Thank you, my friends and family, for your continued prayer and support.  Your verses are going up all around me and I look forward to how the Lord will use me, and work in my life in the next few weeks.  I don’t for a moment think it will be easy, nor pleasant, but I pray daily for the strength and peace to not try to figure it all out, but to trust that He will strengthen and help me.

Good night.

Psych 101

Any psych student (or person with a few years under their belt) will tell you that when you go through a big event in your life you will spend time on an emotional roller coaster.

It could be a new baby on the way, a graduation, a move to another area or a diagnosis of an illness.  It could be Alzheimer’s, diabetes, eczema, or cancer.  And it may be happening to you or someone you know or love.

Welcome to my coaster! 

I can tell you that there are other factors that play a part in that ride.  When I don’t sleep well for a few nights the rolls seem rollier.  If I haven’t been eating regularly or balanced meals, things aren’t as smooth as they could be. (When I start feeling sorry for myself I might pick up a couple of cream filled donuts from Dunkin, or a coke and fries from Mickey D’s.  Yes, that spoon in the Nutella might be mine.)

“Not knowing” causes anxiety.  Not knowing what the tests will reveal.  Not knowing how quickly I will recover.  Not knowing if I will lose my balance more easily. 

But then again, when I remember who has control of my life I get my footing back. (It’s not me in control!) When I get your messages of love and encouragement I stop thinking about the unpleasant things that might happen and spend more time counting my blessings and praying for the saints.

My tests yesterday afternoon took a long time, but weren’t painful or even very unpleasant.

When I got home the doc had left a message to give me the results of the biopsy. I will talk to him later today and get the whole low down including the results from yesterday.

How am I doing?  Aside from this bad haircut and a big zit in the middle of my forehead, I’m doing pretty well today!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

You might want to sit down.

I’m feeling a bit anxious today.   I wish we could just jump to Labor Day and have this part be over!

Tomorrow I have a “couple of tests”.  I get an injection, then go to some other lab and drink some barium stuff.  There they will do a CT scan of abdomen/pelvis and chest.  Then I go back to the nuclear lab and have a full body bone scan.  The whole thing should be over in four hours or so.  Unpleasant, but not painful, I hope.

That first day I went to see Doc F they gave me a binder.  A really big binder to keep the information I might be collecting in the next few months.  It was mostly empty except for a few items of information.     One of the tabs was for lab reports.  I like that they are so willing to give me the lab reports.

I finally got around to reading the report from the MRI. 

When I met with the doc this last Monday he told me that they found another tumor.  The lab report says that and also says “VERY HIGH SUSPICION FOR MALIGNANCY.  APPROPRIATE ACTION SHOULD BE TAKEN.”

The doc told me that if there were two malignant tumors in one breast we would remove the whole breast.  He did a biopsy on Monday.

The tests tomorrow are to determine if the cancer has spread anywhere else.  I’m beginning to feel like I’m on a runaway train.

I should have the results from all of this week’s tests by Friday. 

I am so glad that there is a God, bigger than me, who has a plan for all this and He loves me.

I know this is short, and not very well put together.  Can’t guarantee tomorrow will be much better.

Fear Factor

Remember that show?  Four couples compete for a million dollars.  They would spend the hour engaged in scary and disgusting challenges.  I understand the fear of hanging from a helicopter flying over a body of water, or letting snakes or scorpions crawl all over my body or even being locked in a box at the bottom of a pool.  But I think it’s just plain yucky to drink bugs and intestines of who-knows-what blended together to make a smoothie like no other.  And it’s not even chilled!  Not fear inducing, but puke inducing.

My fears are that I will embarrass myself or won’t live up to the billing I have set up for myself.  I’d rather not show up if I am not prepared.  I would rather not try, than to chance failure. If I don’t know, before I start, that I am the Queen Bee, then I’m outta there.  If I am not going to end up being awesome, I am not going to play.  I’m a coward.   I fear that when I try my hardest, when I do my very best, it won’t be good enough.

 Fear can be a really palpable thing. Sometimes we can’t sleep or concentrate.  Sometimes we eat more – or we eat less.  Sometimes we cry more than usual.  And sometimes we don’t know what we are afraid of.  It’s something that we can’t put our finger on.  It might be change.  Or it might be that we won’t be able to bear up under the change.  The thing we are afraid of might break us.  It might be bigger than we are.  It might hurt so much we couldn’t handle it.

Yesterday I made it a point to speak with each of my children.  Each let me know they are worried.  They are scared.  I assured them that I understand.  And sometimes I am too.  They are all so different.  One gets angry when she’s frightened, one gets very quiet.  One asks lots of questions.  I know each one loves me, and is not ready to be without me.

I’m not sure they believe me when I tell them I am not afraid.  Not usually afraid, anyway.  I try to relate to them that my life is in the hands of a God who loves me.  He loves me more than I understand.  And I know he has control of what is happening to me.  I believe that he has much more ability to control my life than I do, and while I become afraid when I think that it’s up to me and my power and ability to get through this, I am confident and unafraid when I keep my eyes on Him.   

My prayer, for each of them, is that they come to know, with certainty, the joy and peace that comes from putting their whole lives into the hands of the God who has everything already under control.  And they understand that I have that certainty. 

As long as I don’t try to take control, I can say, like the winners of that show, “Fear is not a factor for me!”

 Ephesians 6:10

May you be a man/woman who is strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

You (my support team) ask me what you can do for me.  Here is one thing.

In order to keep my eyes on God and not on my own abilities and plans, I look to the Word of God.  So—when you are having your devotions or quiet time and you come across a verse that would offer strength and encouragement to me, copy it onto a slip of paper and send it my way.  I am papering my “space” with verses from the Bible that my friends and family offer.  I am putting them on my closet door, my kitchen cabinets, the bathroom mirror, you get the idea.  Thanks. 

This is going to be harder than I thought

I feel that God is building a nest or cocoon around me, and all of you and your well wishes and prayers are the feathers.   Thank you.  I need every bit of courage and strength that God gives me.  He knows what I need and is providing it every minute and he is using you.

I visited Doc F. this morning.  As I had guessed, the MRI found another .. what?  Lump?  Mass?  Bigger than a spot.  Area? 

When I asked why the mammogram hadn’t found it he said mammograms don’t find them all.  When we began speaking I think he was concerned he wouldn’t be able to find it with the sonogram and biopsy it right then.  He went into and if that doesn’t work we’ll do blahblah and if that doesn’t work then we’ll do blahblah.  Well, the good news is that he found it pretty quickly and did the biopsy.  Results should be in by the end of the week.

Here is the hard part.  If it is also malignant, as the first one is, they will take the whole breast.  You know what bothers me about that?  I’m thinking it is significant surgery.  I’m thinking chemo. I’m thinking he’s hoping it isn’t anywhere else.  I'm thinking this isn't the several dozen pounds I was hoping for.

But I’m not going to borrow worries today.  I will let you know as these questions are answered.  Right now these are my questions.

I asked him this.  “Does this mean the second one is probably malignant?” and he quickly said “No.  Not necessarily.” 

Want to hear something cool.  I have prayed for this man and his wife and children for several years.  I have prayed with his wife about the kids at Conestoga High School, and he has two that are the same ages as Stephanie and Ethan.  Great kids.  His and mine!  Though I haven’t seen his kids since they graduated from ‘Stoga and haven’t seen his wife since about the same time, and I never met him before last week, I will now pray for them again. (esp. him.)

The next step.  In preparation for whatever is next I have the opportunity to experience a CAT scan and a bone scan.  I get the bone scan, but I don’t have a cat.  Just a sweet old decrepit dog that is having her own physical challenges.

TTYL

This is the song I'm singing today.

More testing. More talking.

 When Mike and I were sitting in the doc’s office last week, the doc explained what he was seeing and not seeing and told us what might, or might not happen next.  That’s when he sent me for an MRI and next would come surgery (lumpectomy) and then radiation for 6 weeks.

 So I had the MRI and he called to tell me the results.

 Not as good as he had expected.  They found another mass.  It didn’t sound as small or as well formed as the first one.  He sounded more concerned than before.

I go back on Monday for another sonogram and biopsy.

More testing.  More talking.

 

So. What’s an Endocrinologist?!!

March 8, 2013

And then… 

As I was pulling out of the garage at the hospital my GP, Dr. T, called on my cell phone.  I love modern technology.  It brings us cell phones and this blog!  But that’s another story.

Several weeks ago I had gone to see Dr. T for my annual “inspection”.  My check-ups aren’t every year like clockwork, but I have been pretty consistent since I began taking medication on a regular basis.  If I lost a few dozen pounds (yes, this is a theme) I wouldn’t have to take those meds.  So that is becoming a goal of mine.  It’s one thing when Doctor Oz says it, but when Dr. T says it I think it might be worth a shot!

Anyway, at that check-up I’d had a blood test.  I was found to have low vitamin D and high Calcium.  I started taking a vitamin D supplement, and six weeks later I had another blood test.  She called with the results as I left from the MRI.

She changed my meds.  And if this didn’t straighten it out, she would refer me to an endocrinologist.  I go back in two weeks to have my blood checked. 

So.  What’s an endocrinologist?!!

 And then….

The next thing I knew the dermatologist, to whom I had been referred after that check-up in January, called to tell me that the little biopsy he took from my nose was, indeed, basal cell carcinoma.  Skin Cancer.  This one we will take care of in May when the other cancer thing is fixed.

The Back Story

Thursday March 7, 2013

A week ago I had a talk with my doc.  He was giving me the results of a breast biopsy I had a few days prior, as a result of a mammogram and sonogram done a few days before that.  I was pretty confident everything was fine.  I’d had false concern before.  I’d even had a biopsy 18 years ago.  No problems.  No fears.

But the words he said were not what I was expecting.

“You have a little cancer,” he said.

“Totally fixable,” he said.

“Don’t worry even a little bit,” he said.

So a new chapter begins.

I decided to start this blog as a way for you to keep up with how I am and what is going on in the process of dealing with this.  I don’t plan to share all the gory details, but some of the details will definitely appear here.  I suspect that we will be all done and better than before by Memorial Day.

Today I had an MRI so the doc can get a perfect picture of what is going on.  That’s another first for me.  It went okay.  The biggest problem I am having lately is finding a vein.  I had to have blood drawn on Tuesday to prepare for the MRI.  For the MRI they put in a catheter as a means of introducing the contrast agent.  Both times the tech was very good and hit it the first time.  It is really the pits when they have to “try the other arm”.  I try to drink 2-3 bottles of water before I have to offer my arm.  Probably losing a few dozen pounds will help also.

The other thing is that the machine was very loud!  In several places were signs that said that headphones are required.  But not mine.  I had to use theirs and listen to the music they offered.They provided them and there was a list of music they were willing to play for my listening pleasure.  I chose Simon and Garfunkel.  My concern was that I would make a selection from their list and then regret my choice and have to listen to something I regretted.  I decided it wasn’t that long so I could easily put up with S&G for 30 minutes.  Turns out that once they stuck my head in that tin can and started beating on the outside with a jack hammer, I couldn’t hear “Bridge over Troubled Water” anyway.

 

They let me keep the little blue socks I had to wear!

I appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts you are sending my way.  I hope you take a moment to send me a message here.